The Production Manager's Lament
28 April, 2005 - 15:36
A checklist for production managers!

by Punch Wilson
PRE-PRODUCTION:
- Come up with all the ideas
- Praise the producer upon having the genius to come up with such inspired and practical ideas
- Do all the graft and make the original, practical and achievable plans work once the producer has decided that it should change - again - (“but of course it won’t cost any more will it” – statement, not question)
- Agree to book all the producer’s favourite crew on the job
- Book your own crew who can actually do the job
- Attempt to schedule sleep breaks into the 26-hour working day that has been agreed with the client
- Hide as much bunce as possible in the budget and never tell the producer. (This has the negative effect of making the producer’s margins look excellent, thus leading to promotion/pay-rise/directorship or, worst of all, thinking that they’re good enough to go freelance).
- Provide a shoulder to lean on when the producer can’t take any more
ONSITE:
- Be onsite all the time
- Wake the producer up
- Smile at the client
- Make suggestions to the producer when they decide to change everything - again
- Say, “Of course you can,” and smile when the producer asks if they can make “just one more call” on your mobile
- Carry a big bucket and spade to clear up, cheerfully, after the producer
- Provide cigarettes
- Carry enough beer tokens to dissuade the crew from mutiny
- Look cheerful and alert on no sleep
- Be ecstatic and appear honoured upon being invited to sit at the clients’ table during the gala dinner
- Provide a shoulder to lean on when the producer can’t take any more
- Congratulate the producer upon yet another successful event
- Say, “It’s alright, I’ll deal with all the rest, you go to bed,” and look as if you mean it
POST-PRODUCTION:
- Be in the office first thing after an all-night get-out to reconcile the job
- Take the blame for any overspend, even if it had nothing to do with you
- Don’t expect any thanks
- Don’t expect any credit
- Don’t expect to get paid for quite some time
- Do expect, before payment of any previous invoice, to come in and “just do a quick costing for me, darling.”
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