The Production Manager's Lament

by Punch Wilson

PRE-PRODUCTION:

• Come up with all the ideas
• Praise the producer upon having the genius to come up with such inspired and practical ideas
• Do all the graft and make the original, practical and achievable plans work once the producer has decided that it should change - again - (“but of course it won’t cost any more will it” – statement, not question)
• Agree to book all the producer’s favourite crew on the job
• Book your own crew who can actually do the job
• Attempt to schedule sleep breaks into the 26-hour working day that has been agreed with the client
• Hide as much bunce as possible in the budget and never tell the producer. (This has the negative effect of making the producer’s margins look excellent, thus leading to promotion/pay-rise/directorship or, worst of all, thinking that they’re good enough to go freelance).
• Provide a shoulder to lean on when the producer can’t take any more

ONSITE:

• Be onsite all the time
• Wake the producer up
• Smile at the client
• Make suggestions to the producer when they decide to change everything - again
• Say, “Of course you can,” and smile when the producer asks if they can make “just one more call” on your mobile
• Carry a big bucket and spade to clear up, cheerfully, after the producer
• Provide cigarettes
• Carry enough beer tokens to dissuade the crew from mutiny
• Look cheerful and alert on no sleep
• Be ecstatic and appear honoured upon being invited to sit at the clients’ table during the gala dinner
• Provide a shoulder to lean on when the producer can’t take any more
• Congratulate the producer upon yet another successful event
• Say, “It’s alright, I’ll deal with all the rest, you go to bed,” and look as if you mean it

POST-PRODUCTION:

• Be in the office first thing after an all-night get-out to reconcile the job
• Take the blame for any overspend, even if it had nothing to do with you
• Don’t expect any thanks
• Don’t expect any credit
• Don’t expect to get paid for quite some time
• Do expect, before payment of any previous invoice, to come in and “just do a quick costing for me, darling.”